I am...sad, frustrated, sick. I drink, eat, and live this disability and it's running me into the ground.
This last week has been quite a rollercoaster. Rodney had to have dental work done under anesthesia in the hospital last Thursday. Friday was his 14th birthday. Today, he has major abdominal pain and diarrhea. All I do is tie it all together in my head. He is sick today because he probably didn't poo over the weekend and we've had lots of processed food this weekend. I had a headache most of the weekend due to smoke and dust in the air. So, cooking wasn't much on my agenda. And I am absorbing the blame.
When I look at my son anymore, I don't see a 14 year old. I see an 8 year old trapped in a young man's body. I try to buffer his world in order to reduce his anxiety and frustrations. I don't let anyone get in my way, including my husband. He sees Rodney's capabilities. He sees the pluses, while all I see is the negatives.
Hubby: Rodney really did a good job helping me yesterday. I only had to get after him to pay attention a couple of times.
Me: Did he see what you needed and get it for you?
Me: Just remember that he had nothing bugging him. I know he is capable, but I want you to remember that he isn't always able to do that.
That's when Hubby got pissed off at me and stormed out of the house. I wish I had just stuck to my first instinct and kept my mouth shut when he wanted to talk. Hubby also keeps bringing home realtor notices for acreage close to our home. He thinks that we should consider purchasing something for Rodney to live in or build on later so that he doesn't have to live at home with us for the rest of our lives.
I wish I had the luxury of leaving this situation for long periods of time. I know that Hubby doesn't want to leave, but that he has to go in order to take care of the family. However, I wish I could just get him to deal with the therapies, school phone calls and emails, and doctors just for a little while. Just long enough to give me a break. But that is highly unlikely to ever happen, so here I sit...
...sad, frustrated, and sick.