Tuesday, June 5, 2018

Things that make you go hmmmmm

Have you ever looked at tire marks on the road and wondered how they got there?

I drive my daughter to school every morning and there were some new tire tracks left on the highway.  They were elaborate twists and turns, not the straight lines that occur when a member of the animal kingdom leaps out in front of a vehicle and the driver applies the brakes as fast as possible with ALL of their feet.  No, these resembled the lines left by an ice skater on a freshly Zambonied rink.  Delicate marks that elicit visions of an artist moving in sync with the wind and wildlife accompanied by orchestral music.  At least that's where my thoughts took me.

I envisioned a person driving blissfully along highway 41 and, seemingly without care, grabbing their emergency brake and leaving their mark.  When that didn't work, they did it again and again and again.  Creating black chem trails- Idaho style.  The reality most likely isn't that far off my description.  Instead of a car or truck, the offender is usually an ATV and it's driver someone underage, under the influence, or both.  But that isn't as fun as imagining some glorious Tokyo drift scenario on a rural Idaho highway, is it?

So that led my thoughts to imagination versus pragmatism.  I have had the opportunity to substitute teach in our local school district.  Yup.  That one.  I know.  I know.  I've ranted and raved about this district.  I got a chance to get a job and I took it.  So sue me.  Wait.  Don't.  We got a whole lotta nothin' you want, I promise.

Anyway...

One of the classrooms I worked in had a burn in the carpet that was obviously a hot plate.  The spiral pattern from the element was clear.  I had a chance to ask those students to use their imaginations and create a story about that mark.  We brainstormed over what that mark could mean.  They gave me answers that ranged from a whirlpool to snakes.  It was awesome.  Some of them struggled with trying to think outside of the reality that it was just a hot plate burn, but I believe that given a little more time, they all would have been onboard.

As an adult with a very wacktastic life, a little imagination goes a long way.  I needed that reminder this morning and I'm here to remind you to allow some imagination to invade your life today.


Sunday, April 1, 2018

When darkness envelops

March 17, 2017
So it is mud and flood season here on the ranch.  We've had an overly-zealous winter this year and with the increase in temperatures, water is everywhere!  I am thankful that our house and outbuildings have, thus far, been spared.  The driveway...not so much.

I felt like writing tonight because I slipped back into my old self for a bit and then ran screaming from her.  Ok, I didn't really run.  I'm darned near 50, there isn't a lot of run left in me.  *insert winky emoji here*

I am supposed to be attending a women's retreat being hosted by a local church. I used to love to attend the Women of Faith conferences, so I was looking forward to tonight.  I miss the fellowship and sharing God's love and compassion, but I haven't set foot in a church in a long time.  My anxiety simply got the best of me and I was really a b&^%$ all day.  I stopped at McDonalds near the venue and ran into a problem with the change I was given.  What really really bothered me is that the manager was going to give me more money and "trust me, this time."  Boy that pissed me off.

Trust me???  I didn't want him to trust me.  I wanted him to take my name and count the till.  That is what you do.  What's more is that the "change" he was going to give me wasn't right at all!  I would have driven away with more money than I would've paid in the first place.  Ay yi yi!  How hard is it to count change? So, the manager had me pull ahead and wait for him to count the till.  Now, if I was right, the till should have been off $5.01.  $.01 if not.  He walks out to my car and informs me that the till was off $.55.  His explanation?  Well, people make mistakes throughout the day and to wait until later might not show the correct amount.  OK.  Deep breath.

I worked for McDonald's 20 years ago as a manager.  I had my share of customers questioning their change.  People do make mistakes and as a manager, it was my job to get to the bottom of it and smooth it over with the customer.  Unfortunately for me, that didn't happen.  He wasn't terribly rude, but when he walked out to my car to tell me that the till didn't show the extra money, he didn't even have that penny!  COME ON!

So, I opted for some retail therapy instead of the women's retreat.  Walking through Target always lifts my spirits.  Checking out every clearance endcap is like a great treasure hunt for me.  Tonight that saunter through the store reminded me of the days when I didn't have a husband or kids and I felt alone.

Lonely is something that I still feel on a regular basis, but tonight I felt alone.  It wasn't quite despair, but I could slip into the...


April 1, 2018
I have't been back to this since I started that post.  I am here again.  Darkness, aloneness, and I am now even more aware of how little I really matter to those around me.  My friends and co-workers (I have a job now) appreciate me as much as is proper and expected.

I get daily phone calls from my mother.  Yesterday, I was supposed to take the truck into Spokane and load up a bed from the home of one of her friends.  I woke up with a migraine yesterday.  I asked if she would ask my brother to go up and load the bed into their truck and when I felt better, I would come in and get the truck.  She refused to call my brother because it was 8 o'clock in the morning.  She calls me regularly at 6:20am, whether I am awake or not. 

That made me even more aware of just how much she views me as a burden.  The same burden she admitted to 21 years ago.  I have been, and most likely always will be, the project.  I am reminded on a regular basis how awful I am as a mother and a wife and a daughter.  I'm pretty sure she had hoped that I would never marry and have kids and that I would just go away when I became an adult.  I tried that 21 years ago.

Then I met my husband and my INSANE need to please her kicked in and I subjected myself to all of it again.  I needed her, as well as my sister's, approval.
I got engaged, set the wedding date, and got pregnant.  Disappointment strikes again!  Can't even do that right.  Oh and it was just icing on the cake that I lived in a 5th wheel and then a single wide trailer.  Ok.  That's enough of that.  Long story short, as long as I live, I will never measure up.