Thursday, February 25, 2010

Overwhelmed...more like whiny

Why is it that whenever life seems to smooth out, even just a bit, something comes in and wrecks it?

Maybe I was just blind to all these issues that have suddenly appeared and complicated my life or was it that I was a proverbial ostrich with my head in the sand? I can't say.

So, yesterday wasn't such a good day.

My family received some awful news. It was the kind of news that hits you in the stomach and leaves you wanting to throw up. We've had news like this before and, at that time, it was compounded some months later by a terrible injustice in another family member's life.

Two words. Cancer. Divorce. They both suck and they both suck hard.

On top of all of that, my son is autistic and that is all kinds of wonderful right now. NOT. He started with a new therapist and she is great, but it's almost too labor intensive for me right now. His next appointment is tomorrow and I have that dread that you get when you know you're in trouble or your homework isn't done.

I also have two other kids who are both brewing colds. My youngest has missed almost two weeks of school due to various illnesses this year and she can't miss anymore. Did I mention that I have a sore throat, too? Yeah. Yippee.

The husband left for Utah this week and we'll be lucky if we get to see him again in April. Honestly, all of this kid/husband stuff is what I deal with on a daily basis. It is that cancer news that has knocked me for a loop.


My oldest brother was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2007. He went under the knife and did the chemo/radiation thing. He was in the clear until November 2009. They found a weird round thing on or near his diaphragm. Biopsy was inconclusive because the docs couldn't get a good grip on it to get a chunk of it for testing. So, a couple of weeks ago, he went back for another scan to check on that weird round thing. It was a bit bigger and the cancer markers in his blood have doubled.

so. not. good.

They did another biopsy last week and the results yesterday were...well, you know what they were. So, now he has to endure more scans to actually find where this cancer has set up shop. The weird round thingy turned out to be two lymph nodes stuck together and floating around near his diaphragm.

I so wish I was funny, because that could be a very good setup to a joke about the love boat. But, I digress.

The docs give him the worst case scenario that it is in his lymphatic system; hence the sucker punch.

I feel bad for feeling bad. Is that survivor's guilt? I feel like crying and then I think, "How dare you cry! You do not have cancer! You need to stop it, ya big crybaby!" Then I remember that if my brother dies, my mother will quite probably go insane or lose her desire to live. (M a y b e I am overreacting with that statement...but I doubt it.) That opens up a whole 'nother can of worms.

I have a brother and a sister (the victim of the divorce drama that never seems to end) who live closer to my parents than I do. Unfortunately, they don't seem to grasp the seriousness of the situation. Ok. Wait.

I know they get it. That was unfair to say. I think what I mean is that they are not overreacting to this. They are more like, "Cancer sucks. Move on."

Is it okay to say that? I have said it. I just said it to my sister, but then I broke down thinking about my brother's sons and how they may lose their father. I think about the one away at college without a car and the other in the middle of his junior year of high school.

Do I wallow or do I live my life? Can I do both? Should I do both?

All of this drama has given me lots of excuses. Excuses to sit at the computer and blog all day, eat everything in sight, and cry.

Today, life on Elk Meadows is whiny with a chance of introspective.

No comments:

Post a Comment